Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Let me start that being the spouse of a sex addict just sucks. If you are here, you are probably know that already. If you are here because you are a sex addict, open your eyes and mind to the utter destruct to your loved ones that you are imposing. Every situation is different. Mine can be found on this blog as "my story" (link to the right) as well as the first entry to this blog. There are exceptions to every rule. My hypothesis: You are wasting your time trying to stay in a monogamous and/or healthy relationship with a sex addict. It just won't work out long term. Don't be falsely convinced by what you believe to be the sex addicts sobriety because it's not happening or if it is, it won't last long. They just can't be trusted. Don't be fooled again. The root causes of their addictions occurred prior to your relationship with your significant other and it is virtually impossible for them to stop acting out and stay truly sober. They will always be craving another hit. They are woefully desperate and settle down without their drug of choice. The addict is the only one that stop. It has to come from within. Most can't live with them self, so recovery is just very difficult, if not impossible. The spouse naturally is a co-dependent and you must let them go and stop trying to control the addict. Stop torturing yourself and take car of yourself first (for a change) and let go. It is hopeless and futile effort on your behalf. Being totally direct: You are in TOTAL DENIAL if you think otherwise. My opinion is that you should stop finding ways and excuses to save the relationship and just BE DONE!!!!!! However difficult (or not): Hit the eject button now!!!! Don't waste your money, time and energy. The sex addict will not change. I'm sorry to say that you need to believe it, accept it, deal with it and move on. It's a runaway train that you need to get off - immediately. The end result, if you could not figure it out already, is that my marriage over. I believed that all the therapy, inpatient care and SLAA meetings would put my marriage on a sober path. It never did and that makes me sad. I can look back and say that I did everything to save my marriage, above and beyond what any rational man (or woman) would ever submit them self but the result was purely futility. It's been a while. Why? Because I was working to save my marriage and then transition into and maintaining my own household, as well as bring stability to my kids life and my work life. I've seen the traffic for this blog increase over the last few months (with no new posts) and I felt this post was necessary. My assumption is sex addiction is manifesting amongst our society in much greater numbers than ever before. I will be as candid and as straightforward as I can in the paragraphs that follow. I used to harbor an intense amount of anger with these men and I still am bitter and angry. It takes two to tango and two to compromise their moral codes. Today, my upset, disappointment and disrespect has multiplied against my wife. Sadly, the woman I was married to for almost 17 years and who I share children was and continues to be incredibly narcissistic. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt, believed in her and trusted her. Oh how wrong was I. The lying would not end. The deception was consistent. In the end, she clearly did not know the difference between right and wrong. She let her addiction hold her ransom. It also bugged me that my ex was unwilling to go on a higher doses of drugs that can control her addiction, hyper sexuality and bi-polar condition She said she would gain weight. How vain. The parallel is if I had cancer, and I decided that I would only take 1/8 dose of chemo. My cancer would get worse and it would not be eliminated. The chemo would pretty much be useless. My opinion, if you are sick, you give yourself the best possible chance for recovery...oh well. I still kick myself all the time for not leaving earlier. I kept telling myself that I would stay in the marriage to keep my two children in a stable environment. It would have been nice. I though it would be best for my children, but it was not. It was horrible, chaotic, stressful, angry, dysfunctional and unpleasant. Finally, I took the big step of taking care of myself. Sure, for five years I was lonely in my own house. Not a good thing. My ex would go to bed around 8 and supposedly was fight off migraines and depression. I guess it was tremendous guilt from her behavior that was driving this disconnect with the family. The only consistency I had was a warm greeting from the family dog. It got to a point where I did everything in the house (i.e. Cooking, kid transportation, Shopping,laundry, paid bills, submitting insurance claims et al. FYI: we had a cleaning crew come in to take care of the household and it was still a mess.) Why did we separate in January 2012. I discovered she was texting a male (from SLAA meetings). (Btw, much later I found out that she was having sex with him) Which was a bottom line offense that she promised that she would not do ever again. That's when I left. Both her therapist and her begged me to agree to what is called a structured separation. I agreed. You work on yourself for six weeks and you live separately. After six weeks, if you both want to proceed you start marriage therapy but still live separately. I did about 90% of the self work from her therapist, she did very little. Of course, I was the one that moved out of the house. In the meantime, I found a therapist that works with sex addicts and spouses. She is very good at getting my head around the trauma of the affairs and getting myself straighten up. With that experience, I told my ex that I would only do marriage therapy with a sex addiction therapist. She begrudgingly agreed. I had to leave work in the middle of the day to attend this. I was truly trying to save my marriage. She also kept delaying the first appointment, waiting for an extra month...Hmmmm I wonder why. During my individual work during the separation, my therapist recommended I write an emotional disclosure to my ex. (FYI: I never got one from her). Needless to say, it was cathartic. It was 20 pages of all the crap I had been through. My emotions for the previous five+ years and her activities. When you live with an addict, you are always on your guard for further inappropriate discovery. I became hyper-viligent. My investigative skills, although sick, were very impressive. However, it was clearly unhealthy for me. My therapist begged me to stop saying it wasn't good for my recovery. She would ask me every session are you checking. I would admit yes but I would try to stop again. Usually, I would make it a few days before I would slip again. Candidly, it became my addiction. I never trusted my ex (truly never could), and to have a marriage void of trust is a recipe for disaster. I read the emotional disclosure letter in her therapist's office in February 2012 and in the middle of my reading, my ex made me stop. I'm sure she felt very shamed and could not hear what I was saying anyway. She was vapid then and vapid now. She said she could not take it all in. I am sure she was correct. Then she dropped another bomb on me during the session: that she was an affair with someone from her SLAA meeting (a different guy) that she just ended. She claimed she did not have sex with him...right. (FYI: Unless your spouse goes to a Men only or women only meeting, you are asking for trouble.) The sex addicts are like kids in a candy store at these open meetings despite their claim of safety. And I still did not file for divorce. I believed with guidance from her therapist that she had finally seen the light. We never moved back together again but we commence marriage therapy in April. (BTW, I found the therapist...did you expect anything else?) My ex, in marriage therapy, always try to establish that it was all my fault. That my anger, which manifested during her constant distractions, depression and affairs, was the sole cause of her sex addiction. She took zero accountability. Total BS! Sex addiction they (they who? the addicts as a built in excuse to slip) say is the toughest addiction to over come, because men (or women) are everywhere and talking to them give the addict a hit. Life is about wise choices. At the fork in the road, which way do you go?The whole thing is just so unacceptable for a married woman to be engaging. Clearly there is no moral compass. Yes, if you haven't figured it out, it's all narcissism. Once a narcissist, always a narcissist. They will always choose the wrong path. They cannot stop themselves. Sick The during the second week of June, the week of two family graduations, I decide to take my children, during my custody time, to a music concert they wanted to see. The venue was 2 1/2 hours from my house I was living. In marriage therapy the proceeding day, I expressed concern that every time I left town my ex would act out. She assured me in therapy that nothing is going to happen. I'm just paranoid. Even the therapist said how good it was that I put it out there. "I'm just going to play some tennis and then spend a quiet evening at home and just chill out. You having nothing to worry about." That is where the "Find my iPhone" app comes into play. As we were at the concert, I was just checking in with her via text and phone and she did not respond. So about 7:30 p.m. I checked my iPhone app and found she was at a bar that is 25 minutes from the house. About 15 minutes later, she then called from a quiet area (probably a bathroom) and said she just got out of the shower (i knew otherwise). Then about 30 minutes later I found her located in a hotel (obviously with another man). I left my hotel drove in the middle of the night, dropped my kids off at their grandparents house and I got to the hotel about 3:30 a.m. At that point, I had a key and removed her car and moved it about a mile away from the hotel. At that moment it became official, I was done. It was the first time that I ever caught her red handed, not like it never happened before. For the record, the guy she was sleeping with lives in Nevada and he communicated to her via a blackberry he bought her as well as the messaging system inside the Words with Friends app. The addict finds creative ways to hide and disguise her addiction and uses it to set up hookups. Fast forward today, I have 50% custody of my kids (you think narcissistic sex addict wants more responsibly?). I pay her an exceeding large amount of alimony and child support. And she is still struggling with her addiction. I got her out of the house by forcing its sale (I didn't want it). Her individual therapist fired her for lying after discovery of the affair in June. She tried to see the marriage therapist as an individual and the therapist said NO because she lied to her as well. So she is keeping the hispanic struggling Nevada person around selling him on how committed she is to him. Sadly, he has no idea that she is a member of PlentyOfFish.com, banging ever athletic guy that shows interests in her. She is no doubt going to hell for her choices. At the end of the day, I know I gave her every chance to recommit to our marriage (as I did) and she may have wanted to, but the addiction took over and feeding it was clearly a more important priority. I know I did all I could, above and beyond what a married man would do,to save his marriage. I clearly, and finally enough. I have no doubt that I put forth maximum effort to save the marriage and for that I can leave the marriage in peace and with my only regret is that I did not leave it immediately. It takes two to work on a marriage and it was only I who made the effort. At first, I was devastated by the hotel affair and the impending divorce. After about a month, I started to get myself back in order and I realized it was time to move on. (it didn't help that she stayed in the June relationship during this time.) It would have been so less traumatic, if she just said, I don't want to stay married to you. It would have been so much more dignified. That is not what happened though. We sold the house, drained all the bank accounts for attorney fess and now we are both renters. Even today, I don't she sees how the divorce will affect her. She was a stay at home mom enjoying the good life. She has already lost the house, she is going to have to back to work and she will be forced to perform all motherly and household responsibilities. Unless she re-marries well, she will never own another house but she will not remarry because she will lose her lifetime alimony. She has replaced me as her primary with the guy from Nevada and when he is not there she is probably acting out. Not my care or concern. I have left the island and, except for my children, I am not returning Today, I am so happy and strong. My marriage was a sham for so many years but it's in the rear view mirror now. Her problems are her problems. I'm so glad that I let her go...it was never going to end. Because the addict wants to keep you around forever and attempt to control you. It makes them feel good, its a hit. They desire to keep you around. I refuse to engage her because of the hit it provides. It's not happening with me anymore. And I am do much better for it. I feel incredibly healthy, vibrant. I lost myself in her addiction and my co-dependency. I have it back now and it feels GREAT!!!!! I can't recommend it enough. If you pull one thing out of this blog entry, simply put: The Sex Addict is not going to get better. Give up now. Don't waste the time and energy for them to fix themselves because they can't. All men and women in a relationship with an addict should have the courage and strength to leave. And if you don't, take some advise and get some fast. Your life will be so much more fulfilling and satisfying than it is now. I know it because I'm living it. If you worry about your children or idyllic family life you will find them remarkably adaptive. You should tell them "I love you" all the time and make them feel safe. Failure is not something that was ever an option for me. Failure is never an option with me. But my marriage failed. It made me sad at first, but I have recovered. I was taking it one day at a time, but no more. I have renewed faith in myself and living my life's dreams by making them a reality. I have already started and is feels terrific and empowering. I have absolutely no regrets about moving on. As someone said I finally made the decision that she did a long, long time ago. I could continue to kick myself, but what good does that do? Enjoying what will be an exciting future, staying driven and successful as well as the best Dad is my entire focus. I am happier than I may have ever been. I'm not moving to a new chapter of my life...I have started a new book! Trust yourself to do the exact same thing. You will be infinitely better. I wish for you the peace and strength. I am now fully empowered and my fondest hope for all my readers to be as well.