This one was found on the blog called "What the Wild Things Are" Blogger Samantha Smithstein, Psy.D., is a clinical and forensic psychologist and co-founder of the Pathways Institute for Impulse Control in San Francisco.
This is the introduction:
The following is an interview with a woman who self-identified as being in recovery from a sex addiction. She is in her 40's, professional, and married with children. She asked to remain anonymous for the sake of her privacy; she used the pseudonym "Nora." I asked her about her addiction and about being a woman and sex addict. I began by asking her to describe her sexual addiction:
I'm dealing with discovery that my partner is a sex addict. I've talked at length with him begging him to get counseling. At first he said he would. Said he'd go to counseling to keep us together but he now says, "what the fuck do I need counseling for." His issues are deep. It's been a four month roller coaster ride since I discovered/realized this. There is too much good with us for me to walk away but also he has brought a tremendous amount of chaos into my life. Now I am working the Alcoholics Anonymous angle to see if he can get help there. You see, he is an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink in 26 years. He stopped cold turkey, no program. I strongly believe (based on his behaviors and patterns) that he merely traded alcohol for sex.
ReplyDeleteP.S. thanks for sharing your story and the reading list. I need some good resources and leads.
It's very brave of you to share yourself with the online community, and I commend you for it. I assume also that sharing your story has therapeutic effects and probably makes it a little easier for you to process events as they occur in your life. The one observation I would like to make is that, while (understandably) you have a lot of anger, statements to the effect that you are jealous of Demi Moore for leaving her partner, or that "acting out (even once) = divorce: choose or lose" suggest a certain intolerance and rigidity on your part. I imagine this fuels your anger and makes it difficult for you to forgive your wife. Yes, she has violated your trust. But bear in mind that an intolerant attitude might only push her farther away and make her resentful/fearful of drawing close to you. She needs to feel trust and protection from you just as much as you need it from her. You need to be able to fully share with her your feelings of humiliation, shame, fear, anger and resentment. But the key is to do it in a constructive way. Do you really wish you had left your wife? Do you want to be giving her dictatorial ultimatums that instill fear in her, and that suggest she's one mistake from being cast out of the house? In my opinion, the best way for this to work is for you decide if you want to stay in the marriage. If the answer is yes, then you can't let yourself be ruled by judgmental emotions. You need to be there for her one hundred percent. Show her that you will be there and that she is safe with you. But just as important, explain, in detail and for as long as it takes , your feelings. Do this until you have made yourself completely understood. It's the only way you'll feel heard. And it will probably take many, many months. In the end, it will be possible for you to reach a mutual understanding that goes way beyond what you thought you knew about each other beforehand. If you get to this point you have the potential for a relationship that is better and more fulfilling than the one you thought you had before all of this began. Think of your terrible ordeal as an opportunity. And be aware that sometimes opportunity arises from the least expected areas in life. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteOh my word, the above sounds like an abuser wrote it. Be all sunny and sweet and give forgiveness and accept your wife no matter what. Geeeesh! And Wyatt happens when you do ALL of that and more trying to understand and trying to salvage your marriage and trying to win your wife back and she does it again???
ReplyDeleteWill you feel better about yourself or worse? If you spend some time working on yourself you will find the benefit two-fold. You will feel. Stater about yourself as a man and father, trust me. And there is a very good chance that your wife will start to respond positively to you as her husband. Will it be perfect? What relationship ever is? But it will be the one that YOU took charge of and responsibility Cor, as a man and husband.