Friday, October 28, 2011

My story

How did I get here?

Where am I going?

Where to begin?

How to begin?

Each question begets more questions.

My wife is a sex addict!

This is not a theory, but a fact as she went through intensive almost two month inpatient program to initiate recovery. After 15 years of marriage and two wonderful children, it makes me sad.

Your first question I know is: Am I still married to her? Yes I am. Sometimes that makes me sad too. Because had I known what I know as truth today (and only "officially" discovered after she committed to recovery and sexual sobriety,) I won't be. How pathetic I feel that I did not trust my gut instincts and all the signs and get out before seemingly losing my dignity too.

Here are the stats:

  • 3 Years
  • 3 Facebook Accounts
  • 5 Email Addresses
  • 7 Extra-marital Physical Affairs (All unprotected) "Qualifiers"
  • 8 Extra-marital Emotional Affairs that never got intimate
  • $150,000 in medical bills
  • Countless fractured friendships

Could it have been much worse?  You betcha. The "good news" is that she is clean of STDs (F-ing amazing) and she did not get pregnant.

The hurt and pain for me, the betrayed husband, are never-ending.

Did I let this happen to me? Unquestionably Yes. I have many, many regrets. But I also know my wife, who is in her mid 40s, is solely responsible and accountable for her actions.

Today, she is attempting to fix herself and so far, so good.

Am I a co-addict? A Co-dependent? A Victim? An Enabler? A Rescuer? A Private Detective? Who knows? I'm probably all the above, if not more. What I know for sure is that I have remained monogamous, loyal and honored my marriage vows.

I also have found strength to commit and support her recovery as well as mine. I've discovered a new found fortitude to not comprise my morals and ethics anymore. It maybe unorthodox as you will find out but it feels right to me.

My kids remain my priority, with myself second and my marriage a distant third.

So my wife maybe off the merry-go-round of sex addiction, but follow me on the never-ending roller coaster of recovery and read stories of how her sex addiction has turned my life upside down.