Monday, January 16, 2012

If You Slip, How Far Do You Fall?

My wife made me a promise: No chatting, texting or face-to-face meetings with males.

I discovered this morning that she was communicating with another man.  She was not transparent with me but she insisted that she did not act out with him.  She said I was coming to incorrect conclusions.  (Honk, if you have heard that before.).

To be honest, I don't know what to think and what to believe. There is no smoking gun....Heck there never seems to be.

She has admitted to not honoring her promise and "slipping".

For me, this was a bottom line violation.  It has me contemplating divorce and at the very least separation.

It's just so sad after all that I have been through to give up on things now just feels so stupid and reckless.

But can I live in constant fear that my wife is staying on the path to a healthy recovery?  Can she be trusted?

After everything that has happened, I still here it. It seems ridiculous to throw in the towel now but I am seriously considering it.  I have too much living to do without being angry, bitter and on alert. I'm not being fair to myself because I believe I just can't get over my wife's sex addiction and her multiple violations of our marriage vows.

I have made an appointment with a family law attorney..

I am in great contemplation as to what to do?  What are your thoughts?


  1. Hey man... extremely to sorry to read you have been driven to these contemplations. I can't imagine how it feels to be the one that has to constantly draw and re-draw the bottom line. But maybe someday it has to be the final line. If you have a list of things that are not allowed, are they ranked as some worse than others? If not, then... I guess you have to talk to your lawyer. As a woman with a possible love addiction (new to all this) I would be absolutely lost and potentially suicidal if my husband ever actually left me. But... everyone has to have their bottom line. If that's mine, he's allowed to have his, and you're certainly allowed to have yours. I'm not sure this is a helpful commentary... but... someone is out here reading. And wishing you some peace and comfort.

  2. I see you're familiar with Candeo. My husband contributes the beginnings of his recovery to daily use of Cadeo. I'm happy to see you guys are using it too (I'm guessing).

    I have not read your wife's "back story" so I'm only going by what I'm reading here. It seems as though you and I are is similar situations as far as timelines. My disclosure day was December 2010. My husband has been sober for almost a year, but had a slip with MB over the summer and to be honest, I don't keep track of his "date" anymore. I guess he's going on four, five months of sobriety now. He'll be presenting his first step in a few weeks at his SAA meeting. Why am I sharing all this with you in a comment section? I guess to let you know that all this progress he has made in the last couple of months...well, it took FOREVER to get here. I mean, really, a long, long time. He may have only had one slip but he was just slow in the whole "I get it" department. But, over time, he did understand. Through counseling, meetings and finally, finally, finally, a sponsor, he got it. Maybe your wife will too, in time....

    Don't get me wrong - there are days, today being one of them LOL - where I want to wring his neck. And, the journey is a tough one and it takes constant work on both of our parts. Mostly him though, he has to work everyday to communicate with me. To be transparent, it's an effort for him and I have to drag stuff out him bit by bit until the flood gates open. But, he's coming along.

    All this to finally get to my point, hey, you asked our thoughts LOL

    My question as I read this was:

    Do you have a boundary agreement? Mine is my biggest tool to make me feel safe and secure in this marriage and its very powerful. Just a thought.

    Wow, I wrote a novel on here.

    Take care.

  3. Hey man,

    My heart goes out to as I am a male sex addict that has put my wife though hell. I have mainly been addicted to online porn and compulsive masturbation, but those in themselves are betrayals of my vows. Something that my wife and I have discovered recently is that I may have adult ADHD. A friend recommended a book to us, and my wife was reading it to me, and it really was a narrative of my life and our marriage. It was shocking and uncanny. The name of the book is The ADHD Effect on Marriage. The fact that I may have this would go a long way in explaining a lot of my behaviors, especially my addictive ones. I am not "blaming the ADHD," but rather looking for ways to explain and more effectively handle the addiction. I don't know anything about your wife other than what you've written, but it may be worth looking into.

    I know how hurt you are and how much you just want to walk out, but the fact that you are hanging on and trying to support her may be what is saving her from further deteriorating. Without something "holding her back" she may spiral down into a very dark place. The risk of STDs leading to death is all too real, and having someone to support her like you is important. My wife saved me from that a long time ago, even though I have still struggled with addiction. I was spiraling out of control and the fact that she didn't leave me is what got me out of the most risky behaviors.

    I wish you the best and strength for you.

  4. I'd like to thank you for creating this blog. I am a husband of a woman who is a sex addict. I can totally appreciate your predicament as well. I think the one thing that totally blows me away about addiction is that someone with whom you share a deep and unique intimacy can lie and deceive with little apparent regret or inner-conflict. I'd like to say that you should separate from her because she violated a bottom line but I know it's never that easy when it's someone you've spent your life with and fallen in love with. I wish you blessings and luck as you try to answer this difficult question.

    1. I am a woman married to a sex addict. I'm working on separating and he is clinging...jeopardizing his job. Did you leave your wife? I'd like to hear more about this from a man's point of view. Do you think they really have no control?

  5. In thinking about staying or leaving my sex addicted husband.. I remind myself that sex addiction recovery is a life long process. It means suffering through his slip ups.. and it means giving your partner the right to continually hurt you. You may have months or years where your partner has gained sobriety... but it is only a ticking time bomb before they slip again. Are we worth more than the indignity they treat us with through their addiction? definitely. There is the man I love and the addiction. But the addiction has overtaken him. Just think about it. Do you want to be in this for 50+ more years? It takes a very strong person to stay with a sex addict... I only invested a year and a half into my marriage so far.. but the pain has been unbearable. I am filing legal separation.. even though I know only 5% of sex addicts recover.. I am holding onto just a glimmer of hope that he may recover. With separation.. you still have one foot in the door, and the other out the door..

  6. I'm curious to know how you worked this through for yourself. I recently found out my husband had been lying to me, not about SA stuff but about drinking. But the betrayal is the damaging thing, and I've been trying to figure out what path I should take from here. It's not black and white at the moment, and I'm looking for insight into how others have made their decisions.

  7. What a tough position to be in .... a tough position for us all to be in. It's great and empowering when we set our limits and decide what we will and wont accept. THe problem is, however, that sometimes we are faced with actually having to make the decision to follow through with them .... and that is such a hard part. That is the point you are at. I'm so sorry my friend that you are here!

    At times I have looked at my life and said "Is this shit worth it? I love him so much but this shit is just too hard!". Sometimes, it really is so hard!!!!

    I admire your courage for writing your blog, sharing and reaching out to others. I think going to see the lawyer can be good for you for information. You don't need to make any decisions yet but that may be a great step for you to FEEL the power of making your own choices for you ... and not for anything or anyone else. I think it is important to truly understand that you (or any of us dealing with this) don't have to stay in the marriage and understand how to leave if you decide, and it might be good for your wife to understand that you may not ALWAYS be there. And if you stay that sense of power is wonderful and totally necessary for you as well. In theory we all know this, we know we can leave if we want, but words are easy to say ..... actions are HARD!

    I hear ya, it sucks though after all the work you have done together so far to throw in the towel now ... man, I totally hear ya but they say not to make any major decisions on your marriage for at least a year. That gives you time to make your decisions based on what you really want and not based on your emotions. So, it takes time to decide what you want and that is kind of where you are at!

    Good luck on this crazy journey and know that I am here for you as another spouse of a sex addict!!!

  8. honk! i know you posted a long time ago. Hope you're happy today!

  9. First I want to say I sympathize with your dilemma. It must be a struggle every day to have to wonder if each and every time your wife tells you about her progress in her recovery that you have to question if she is telling hte truth or not. Trush s one of the biggest pillars in a marriage and while a marriage can sustain many things that go wrong as we know all couples are not picture perfet. Trust is one of those really central core components of a successful marriage when it is properly in place and often is the root of the leading issue that tends to lead to divorce when misused and abused. (The trust that is)

    I know you have been through a heck of a whole lot with your wife. I don't know you or her personally and I will not result to hair-brained assumptions or make any generalities about you that I can promise you. What I am going to say is that even though you may be fed up to the bone with your wife's risky sexual misconduct and her frequent promiscuity hooking up with man after man after man in your marriage; divorce may be the worst thing you could do.

    Picture this. She is an addict; one who has a disease of compulsivity and ensnared in the jaws of temptation. It is easy to justify initiating a divorce on the basis of infidelity. It is not easy to overcome a sexual addiciton or any addiction for that mater if you as an addict lose the very support that has been there since her diagnosis, that could be the thing that destroys a persons resolve and will to want to get better, possible even lead to suicide.

    I am not minimalizing that you may be in pain or feel hurt. IT's just that I think the whole issue is your wife has a difficult time forming real bonds and maintaining real relationships and this could be due to depression ,anxiety, or an underlying hurt or deep rooted emotional trauma. Either way I think you should stay ith your wife because although she runs into the arms of others, is clear you are the only true person capable of loving her at a time when she is too sick and emotionally ill as an addict to love herself. It's like leaving a person because they had cancer or a limb amputated. She needs you more than ever and you both took vows "for better and for worse." She is crying out for help and is spiriling out of control. The last thing that she needs is for you to divorce her. She will get worse

  10. Thank you for your post. It made me pause. Now I am wondering if I should be selfish and leave or loving( makes me cringe) and stay. I don't think I can live with this. Hearing a male point of view is great!

  11. Ok I'm going to go out on a limb here, but is it possible that we were never biological meant to be monogamous?