There is a new TV reality show on the little known cable channel (in my house) called Logo titled "Bad Sex". First-run episodes are on every Friday night.
The show chronicles a currently sex addict as he/she go through eight (8) weeks of group, individual and sometimes family therapy with a sex specialist Chris Donaghue. I will note that at no time does the show call Donaghue a doctor, but he appears to know what he's doing and understands the triggers and the struggles of the sex addict. The sex addicts in group therapy appear to represent many different diagnosis of sex addiction: Love Addict, Porn Addiction, Gay, Straight, Sexual Anorexic, Masturbation and others.
I just watched the first two episodes and it just provided me greater insight in the life and struggles a sex addict. Each week follows one of the members of the group's progress through the entire eight week program. The first one was a serial cheater who was trying to stay committed to his girlfriend but kept having sex with other women. What made it worse, is he lied to the group as well as his therapist (Boy did that remind me of my wife in both individual and couples therapy). In the end, it was the shame the man was experiencing in his behavior that was causing him to lie. In my opinion, he never realized he was "safe" to be honest with his fellow sex addicts and Donaghue and the only way he was going to get better was to be honest, confront the problem head-on and follow the specialist's suggestions.
If a sex addict is reading this please hear this as a partner of a recovering sex addicts: If you decide that you want help, work through a certified sex therapist and be 100% honest with the therapist with your actions (Your secret is safe with them because of patient/client confidentiality.). Without truthfulness, you are wasting your time and money in therapy. It will not be impactful for you.
The second episode was a male gay sex addict who wanted sex all the time with anyone he could get. For me that fact that he was having unsafe sex reminded me of how my wife was acting out and 99% of the time did it unprotected (One guy had a condom, but it fell during intercourse and another guy used it only the first time).
Each show will follow a member of the group through their eight week program with Donaghue. I'm sure these episodes will be of value to male sex addicts, female sex addicts and partners of sex addicts. It will touch you all in different ways and it won't leave you with a warm and fuzzy. In my opinion it's important that you educate yourself on the subject (heck it is probably why you are reading this blog) and it should be MUST SEE TV for all of you.
You should at least record it. The first two episodes will be repeating several times during this week. If you don't get the channel, check out these sites too for some info about the show.
Show website: http://www.logotv.com/shows/bad_sex/series.jhtml
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BadSexOnLogo
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/BadSexChris
GetGlue: http://getglue.com/tv_shows/bad_sex
If you watched the show, let us know your thoughts by putting a comment on this blog.
Also, make your calendars for Friday, Dec. 3, 2011 which is opening night for the new movie about sex addiction (the one not staring Gwyneth Paltrow) titled "Shame". The movie stars Michael Fassbender as a male sex addict and Carey Mulligan as his alcoholic younger sister. (Obviously family of origin issues with be part of the plot line.) I believe it premiered at the Toronto Film Festival earlier this year and it was been critically acclaimed..It has been in the news lately for drawing an NC-17 rating....big hoot for a movie about sex addiction. It's not like you are going to bring the kids.
I am constantly reading books and scouring various blogs about sex addiction seemingly throughout the day. I've read so much in the last eight months, I don't recall all my sources but I'm am always trying to learn about my wife's sex addiction, what her struggles maybe and trying to understand them as well as coping skills for me. I am also trying to learn how to help myself get through this, support my wife in healthy ways as well as avoiding participating in her addiction. Sadly, I also feel that I am looking for common cues that maybe observed so I can indentify if my wife has slipped.
Oh what a pleasure it would be to be reading Walter Issacson's Steve Jobs biography on my Kindle rather than Ethlie Ann Vare's new book "Love Addict: Sex, Romance and Other Dangerous Drugs" (my current read). It seems I'm in self help and sex addict education overload.
I think it was in Melody Beattie's famous book: "Co-dependent No More" when she describes:...As a co-dependent you get all the crap and all the trauma and all the pain and all the shame and all the fear and everything else the addict gets EXCEPT THE HIGH. Which in my wife's case is the sex (for the record: she says it was only for the attention, the sex was apparently a means to get it)
Think about that. Your spouse or partner has mentally checked out of your life, her vows, feels shame about her own behavior yet continues to have sex and whatever pleasure may come with it on a regular basis, which is a natural and important part (in theory) of life and (in most normal) marriages. And the innocent spouse, gets nothing - physically and emotionally.
Now as the husband of a recovering sex addict and trying to stay supportive and committed to my wife and our marriage, I am faced with personal challenges. My wife is STD free (she had the full battery of tests as a part of her inpatient treatment). She has committed to a monogamous relationship which I have insisted is my bottom line going forward. How does a sex addict return to healthy sex with their spouse?
My concerns:
• Will she be emotionally present with me during sex?
• Can her addiction be triggered by having sex with me?
• Can her addiction be triggered by not having sex with me.
• Will a certain position or act remind her of being with her extramarital "qualifiers"?
• Will she allow herself to have sex fantasies with me?
• Did my sex skills drive her to seek sex from others?
• Did her qualifiers perform better sexually than I?
• What did she do with her qualifiers that she will not do with me? I'll never know and she'll never tell me and it haunts me that I will never know the truth.
• Will she want me to act as her qualifiers acted with her?
• Will I ever be able to get past thoughts of her being intimate with others during our marriage.
• I'll never know what she did to them sexually.
• Can sex be pleasurable for her or me again?
• When can she put my needs first or at least equal to hers?
Yikes, it sucks to be me.
When I think about this, I seem to regret staying in this marriage because it is seems so torturous to me. I would like regular sex with my wife. (we are on our second 90-day no sex period as my wife said she needed more time and wasn’t ready yet---Did I have a realistic choice to decline?) However, the decision to stay was made and as long as my wife stays in recovery and sober, I have agreed to remain in our marriage.
So what did I do.....of course, I bought another book: "The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal" by Bill and Ginger Bercaw. I actually bought two, one for her and one for me so we can read at the same time (not available on kindle). I initiated for us, not my wife, but does that really surprise anyone. I told her that I would not start reading the book unless she's was ready to fully commit to the program. I told her she would have to let me know when and that I was not going to nag her about it. I don't know when (or even if) we will ever start. I'll also let you know what happens if we finish...which I sure hope is in the next year.
Is it unfair for me to want sex with my wife?
If you're in a relationship or married to a female sex addict, have you heard any of these before:
- An emotional affair is not infidelity
- Facebook is not a distraction. It's just me reconnecting with old friends.
- Sexting is OK and long as my husband does not find out.
- I just set up the email address for fun because I had time to kill
- We just met for coffee.
- We just had lunch, nothing else
- I don't know why he texted me in the middle of the night when you were out of town?
- I don't know how to video chat
- I'm just a love addict and need attention. That's all.
- How long have your been married? Her response: 14 tears, in mean years.
- I never thought of making him use protection but neither did he.
- I am not ignoring the kids and their needs.
- Sexual fantasy
- Acting out
- It's not about the sex....
- These guys never made me organism
- But I never dressed up in lingerie for them
- We had sex in the car
- We had sex in the woods
- I don't remember the name of the hotel
- I had the most magical weekend of my life
- He was/is the love of my life. (Not me by the way)
- I never took off my wedding ring, unless I was on the hunt for guys.
- But he's your son's baseball coach!
- I don't think I'm pregnant?
- I really do miss him. I totally blew it when I called his wife.
- No strings attached sex.
- I got scared when he told me he had herpes just before we about to have sex....but he's turning away just the person that could be perfect for him.
- I don't remember anything.
- Don't go there.
- Just tell everyone that I'm taking care of a sick relative and you're not sure when I will be back.
- I am not a Narcissist
- I needed the hit. It's the high.
- You won't understand, you're not an addict.
- Don't ask me what I did.
- Qualifiers
- I had unattainable partners.
- I think all these guys were sex addicts too.
- Withdrawal
- 90 days of sexual abstinence
- Post Traumatic Infidelity Stress Disorder
- Shame
- Guilt
- Pain
- Fear
- I thought I told you about him.
- It's called mood disorder. The doctor says I'm not bi-polar.
- When will the lies stop?
- I swear I never told them I loved them (lie) but all them said they loved me.
- Which is better SLAA or SA?
- Are they married too? What do their wives think? Do they even know?
- Healthy boundaries
- I did not spend any of our money
- I have to see my doctor for two sessions a week
- I have to go to my meeting tonight. You'll have to watch the kids.
- We'll just tell the kids that I'm depressed and I'm getting help to make me feel better.
- It was just sex. Don't expect me to do any of those things with you. That was the addict in me and you don't want me to be back in addict mode.
- I can't find a female sponsor that isn't a sexual anorexia
Have you read, heard or concluded any other explanations, excuses or addict terms from your partner. Please share them in comments. It helps for us "normies" to hear and vent.
