What does one have to do about the other? Maybe a lot more than you think.
For those that may not be following the Penn State scandal where a former assistant football coach is facing charges of sexually abusing eight boys (probably more) over 15 years. This has put this a societal problem on the front of many, many news and sports websites, newspaper and TV shows.
It's just my observation, but unfortunately many of these very young victims of abuse will be traumatized later in life too. Sadly for many, the damage will result with the victims in adult life using addiction (alcohol, drugs and sex) to cope with their issues.
This is unscientific information but 11 of 12 women in my wife's inpatient female sex addiction group were victims of rape or incest. Many in her SLAA meetings also share similar experiences as youths or have some form of trauma (i.e. physical abuse) from their family of origin.
Although my wife had a difficult childhood, she was the one person in her group that was not sexually violated. She has many other issues from her childhood that drove her to act out as a sex addict.
Through my private detective work, I have since found out that one of her qualifiers (affair partners) was sexually molested by a priest in his teens and another one was shot in the face by his father in high school. My wife had said early in recovery (she won't talk about them with me anymore) that both these men displayed characteristics of sex addiction too (but they didn't know it).
I hope these boys from Pennsylvania (as well as any other child abuse victims in this world) have gotten or get all the therapy and help they need ASAP to live a healthy and sober life. They are all in my prayers.
My sex addicted wife is trying to commit to the 12-step SLAA Program, yet can't find a sponsor.
I am sure many of you have heard the stories that there is one woman in the room. I think although that may not be accurate so much any more (based on reports from my wife, not actual experiences of mine), female attendance figures are still somewhat limited.
With limited participants, many of the women in the SLAA are sexual anorexics, not women's who are acting out with other men. We won't even talk about the women that continue to return for their one day chip and use the meetings as confessionals for their hook-ups.
My wife is on her second sponsor. The first one dropped after a week. She had not had sex in 12 years, so I ask how can someone like that relate to my wife and take her through the steps?
Now she is on sponsor number 2. I don't know her history but she seems to be unable to fit my wife into her schedule. After a week and a half, my wife has set her bottom lines (again) and nothing else. This seems to be moving so, so slow.....
My opinion is that failure to engage in a 12-step program only leads to the opportunity to have a relapse. But what other husbands of sex addicts need to know is that it is your wife's problem, if she wants to fix it and follow a healthy path, she will figure it out.
And the husbands, we'll just have to wait and see.
In my case, my bottom line is: monogamy = marriage. Acting out (even once) = divorce. Choose or lose.
Any thoughts?
If you are trying to stay in a committed relationship with a female sex addict, have you heard this before: You just don't get it (the sex addict).
Well, last night my wife, who is currently in recovery, started reading Ethlie Ann Vare's Love Addict: Sex, Romance, and Other Dangerous Drugs
This is a book I bought for myself on the Kindle. I told her about it and thought you would get something out of it. I also let her know it would be an easy read. She had been stuck on the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous: The Basic Text for the past month.
She is rather "addicted" to Vare's book as my wife cannot put it down now that she has started it. She finds the read to be somewhat disturbing because she says it speaks to her and her problem and she doesn't like what it says about her. She says by me reading it that I should totally understand her. I told her, that it was informative (I'm 89% done in Kindle speak) but that doesn't mean that "I get you and your addiction" (I try to avoid sex with that word unless I am writing about it.). I don't think I will ever understand my wife have seven (7) sexual affairs and plenty more emotional affairs.
One of the interesting early topics in the book is that your family of origin and your upbringing create the framework for the addiction to flourish in adulthood. I believe many of us knew that already An important point is made that two people raised in the same environment can produce totally different results in adulthood. I guess then it was our bad luck my wife drew the straw to act out her childhood wounding as a married mother and become a sex and love addict.
I have thoughts about my what may happen to our children because of my wife's addiction and our resulting dysfunctional household, but I will wait for another post to address.
I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get "it." or the recover from the destruction that "it" has caused.
I guess I will keep trying to figure it all out.
For record, I hope my wife does before me.
If you're in a relationship or married to a female sex addict, have you heard any of these before:
- An emotional affair is not infidelity
- Facebook is not a distraction. It's just me reconnecting with old friends.
- Sexting is OK and long as my husband does not find out.
- I just set up the email address for fun because I had time to kill
- We just met for coffee.
- We just had lunch, nothing else
- I don't know why he texted me in the middle of the night when you were out of town?
- I don't know how to video chat
- I'm just a love addict and need attention. That's all.
- How long have your been married? Her response: 14 tears, in mean years.
- I never thought of making him use protection but neither did he.
- I am not ignoring the kids and their needs.
- Sexual fantasy
- Acting out
- It's not about the sex....
- These guys never made me organism
- But I never dressed up in lingerie for them
- We had sex in the car
- We had sex in the woods
- I don't remember the name of the hotel
- I had the most magical weekend of my life
- He was/is the love of my life. (Not me by the way)
- I never took off my wedding ring, unless I was on the hunt for guys.
- But he's your son's baseball coach!
- I don't think I'm pregnant?
- I really do miss him. I totally blew it when I called his wife.
- No strings attached sex.
- I got scared when he told me he had herpes just before we about to have sex....but he's turning away just the person that could be perfect for him.
- I don't remember anything.
- Don't go there.
- Just tell everyone that I'm taking care of a sick relative and you're not sure when I will be back.
- I am not a Narcissist
- I needed the hit. It's the high.
- You won't understand, you're not an addict.
- Don't ask me what I did.
- Qualifiers
- I had unattainable partners.
- I think all these guys were sex addicts too.
- Withdrawal
- 90 days of sexual abstinence
- Post Traumatic Infidelity Stress Disorder
- Shame
- Guilt
- Pain
- Fear
- I thought I told you about him.
- It's called mood disorder. The doctor says I'm not bi-polar.
- When will the lies stop?
- I swear I never told them I loved them (lie) but all them said they loved me.
- Which is better SLAA or SA?
- Are they married too? What do their wives think? Do they even know?
- Healthy boundaries
- I did not spend any of our money
- I have to see my doctor for two sessions a week
- I have to go to my meeting tonight. You'll have to watch the kids.
- We'll just tell the kids that I'm depressed and I'm getting help to make me feel better.
- It was just sex. Don't expect me to do any of those things with you. That was the addict in me and you don't want me to be back in addict mode.
- I can't find a female sponsor that isn't a sexual anorexia
Have you read, heard or concluded any other explanations, excuses or addict terms from your partner. Please share them in comments. It helps for us "normies" to hear and vent.
How did I get here?
Where am I going?
Where to begin?
How to begin?
Each question begets more questions.
My wife is a sex addict!
This is not a theory, but a fact as she went through intensive almost two month inpatient program to initiate recovery. After 15 years of marriage and two wonderful children, it makes me sad.
Your first question I know is: Am I still married to her? Yes I am. Sometimes that makes me sad too. Because had I known what I know as truth today (and only "officially" discovered after she committed to recovery and sexual sobriety,) I won't be. How pathetic I feel that I did not trust my gut instincts and all the signs and get out before seemingly losing my dignity too.
Here are the stats:
- 3 Years
- 3 Facebook Accounts
- 5 Email Addresses
- 7 Extra-marital Physical Affairs (All unprotected) "Qualifiers"
- 8 Extra-marital Emotional Affairs that never got intimate
- $150,000 in medical bills
- Countless fractured friendships
Could it have been much worse? You betcha. The "good news" is that she is clean of STDs (F-ing amazing) and she did not get pregnant.
The hurt and pain for me, the betrayed husband, are never-ending.
Did I let this happen to me? Unquestionably Yes. I have many, many regrets. But I also know my wife, who is in her mid 40s, is solely responsible and accountable for her actions.
Today, she is attempting to fix herself and so far, so good.
Am I a co-addict? A Co-dependent? A Victim? An Enabler? A Rescuer? A Private Detective? Who knows? I'm probably all the above, if not more. What I know for sure is that I have remained monogamous, loyal and honored my marriage vows.
I also have found strength to commit and support her recovery as well as mine. I've discovered a new found fortitude to not comprise my morals and ethics anymore. It maybe unorthodox as you will find out but it feels right to me.
My kids remain my priority, with myself second and my marriage a distant third.
So my wife maybe off the merry-go-round of sex addiction, but follow me on the never-ending roller coaster of recovery and read stories of how her sex addiction has turned my life upside down.
