If you are like me, once you got married one of the very last things you thought you would ever have to worry about is being infected with an STD.
Whether I am still married to my wife or not, it has become a huge issue.
When my wife went inpatient, I insisted that she get an STD panel at the facility she was in based on the suspicion that I had..(She had shared with me that a guy she met in a bar admitted to having herpes--what she didn't share with me was that it was at his place before they were about to have unprotected intercourse and that she had unprotected sex with seven other partners.) There was push back from her, probably due to the shame. She agreed only AFTER finding that the hospital had run all the tests upon her admittance so they were available already.
Then I found out upon my discovery of her sexual history document that all her sex acts were performed without protection on from her partners. Can you believe that, not one used a condom? Two started with it (during their first tryst) but later took it off before finishing and never put one on again. I know I'm not an addict, but for these men out there - what if she got pregnant or had a disease herself? Does the fact that they knew she was married make her safe to her partners who don't know she was sex addict? I just can't figure out what my wife and her affair partners were thinking. Obviously my wife was in a mania but how naive could they all be.
Nonetheless, during family week, the treatment facility reviewed her labs with me and her and I felt she was disease free and not pregnant.
More forward seven months and I'm about to get an annual physical and I start to worry again. What happens if her last hookups were too close to when the blood work was run for them to manifest. What happened if she picked up something and it stayed latent in her system, yet she passed it on to me.
I told her that I wanted a copy of her labs. I told her I was very concerned for my health and that I would need them to discuss with my doctor. If she did not want to provide me them, I would be forced to have a complete (and expensive) STD panel on myself. She agreed to get the blood work as a start and then after having further discussion with me about latent diseases agreed to consult her OB-GYN and have follow-up tests.
So about two weeks before my appointment, she called her OB-GYN and sent the labs to them via fax. She told them that it had been recommended that she get follow-up work about six months later. The doctor's nurse told her upon receipt of the labs, that she had to come in an see the doctor. Mind you, my wife thought she was clean but you never know. She had gone to see the OB-GYN for her annual exam at the end of summer but did not disclosure her sex addiction to the doctor ("She told me at the time that they didn't need to know." [I disagreed but it was her choice.])
She met with her regular male doctor and it was not a good experience for her. He is a good family man and my wife said she felt his disappointment and disapproval of her actions He asked her not once, not twice but a third time after he left to examining room if she wanted to go on birth control (I'm fixed) because her behavior was so reckless. She was swabbed and gave blood. After my wife said she went to her car and cried. It made her feel so bad about what she had done to me and to herself, which is maybe a sign that she is really in recovery.
She got the results a week later and the good news for us is that everything came back negative. Which is good for her and good for us.
With the blood work and the negative test results, I was able to bring the lab results for my doctor to review and advise me.
The doctor came into the examining room for my physical and the very first thing he said before sitting down was "Is there anything bothering you, any questions that you have or things you want to talk about?"
I told him that I did not know where to begin [long silence] and this is very difficult to talk about [longer silence] In the last two years, my wife had at least seven affairs and had unprotected sex with all of her partners. She went into inpatient treatment for sex addiction and that I was concerned that I may have contracted a STD." I presented him with her blood work and told him that it was all negative.
He looked it over and do you want to guess his first question?.......
Are you still together?
So once we got past that, he spent a lot of time discussing with me the purpose of each individual tests and their meaning.. He agreed with the OB-GYN that they were all negative and the really good news that he felt that I should have nothing to worry about after looking over her labs and my regular labs, he believes that I am STD free. He did not see the need for more testing.
Wow, what a relief. Never did I have even think that I would have worry again about STDs. It was like I was single all over. Now that is behind us as hopefully is my wife's sexual acting out behaviors.
At the end of my physical, the doctor went on to commend me for having the strength to bring this up with him. He said many people would have been too embarrassed about it and/or just ignored it. He said it was refreshing to see me take ownership of how my wife actions may have affected me from a health standpoint.
I'm proud of myself that I finally made my needs a priority and in this situation making it perfectly clear to my wife and insisting she do something for me.
So male or female, spouse, friend or an addict yourself, if you are intimate with a sex addict or a recovering sex addict, practice safe sex, use protection and get tested for your own well being. What I've learned is that sex addicts are so consumed with themselves and getting their hit (while also not being caught); they take risks that put their own lives in jeopardy as well as those of their loved ones.
I know, as does my wife, that we are lucky that she did not contract an STD through her unprotected hookups with men. And, if you are curious, I would have divorced her had I learned she that "accidentally" had gotten pregnant with another man's child.
Did my story ring true with any of your experiences?
"As a woman, a mother and a wife, there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life."
My heart sank when I read this quote. The title of this post may sound crazy. Why would anyone be jealous of Demi Moore?
I so admire and am amazed at HER STRENGTH to hold to her core values and sacred oaths. That's why I'm so jealous, not of the pain, anger and shame she is going through because of her husband Ashton Kutcher's behavior. I am totally envious of her sticking to her moral code.
I now understand that my wife has the disease of sex addiction.
When I was going through the three years of trauma with the constant communication with men, the nebulous meetings, affairs, checking out of motherhood responsibilities and all the lies, I failed myself by not putting my foot down and having the strength to leave.
By not standing up for my own values and holding to my bottom line, whatever I have put myself through for at least two years would have never happened (at least not while married as I still would have been slighty involved because of my children.)
I am still trying to deal with the personal shame of compromising my morals to stay in this marriage.
To this day, this is one of my biggest struggles being so weak when faced with the facts of what I knew of my wife's behavior. This is where I believe I truly failed myself and I have to come to grips with it. I vow now to honor myself and my character first. That's all I can do.
This is a candid interview (a little dated) with two women that have struggled with sex addict and how it has affected their lives and their relationships.
I hope it is some value to husbands like me as well as women who are also struggling with sex addiction. It's pretty powerful stuff.
Let me know what you think?
What does one have to do about the other? Maybe a lot more than you think.
For those that may not be following the Penn State scandal where a former assistant football coach is facing charges of sexually abusing eight boys (probably more) over 15 years. This has put this a societal problem on the front of many, many news and sports websites, newspaper and TV shows.
It's just my observation, but unfortunately many of these very young victims of abuse will be traumatized later in life too. Sadly for many, the damage will result with the victims in adult life using addiction (alcohol, drugs and sex) to cope with their issues.
This is unscientific information but 11 of 12 women in my wife's inpatient female sex addiction group were victims of rape or incest. Many in her SLAA meetings also share similar experiences as youths or have some form of trauma (i.e. physical abuse) from their family of origin.
Although my wife had a difficult childhood, she was the one person in her group that was not sexually violated. She has many other issues from her childhood that drove her to act out as a sex addict.
Through my private detective work, I have since found out that one of her qualifiers (affair partners) was sexually molested by a priest in his teens and another one was shot in the face by his father in high school. My wife had said early in recovery (she won't talk about them with me anymore) that both these men displayed characteristics of sex addiction too (but they didn't know it).
I hope these boys from Pennsylvania (as well as any other child abuse victims in this world) have gotten or get all the therapy and help they need ASAP to live a healthy and sober life. They are all in my prayers.
If you are trying to stay in a committed relationship with a female sex addict, have you heard this before: You just don't get it (the sex addict).
Well, last night my wife, who is currently in recovery, started reading Ethlie Ann Vare's Love Addict: Sex, Romance, and Other Dangerous Drugs
This is a book I bought for myself on the Kindle. I told her about it and thought you would get something out of it. I also let her know it would be an easy read. She had been stuck on the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous: The Basic Text for the past month.
She is rather "addicted" to Vare's book as my wife cannot put it down now that she has started it. She finds the read to be somewhat disturbing because she says it speaks to her and her problem and she doesn't like what it says about her. She says by me reading it that I should totally understand her. I told her, that it was informative (I'm 89% done in Kindle speak) but that doesn't mean that "I get you and your addiction" (I try to avoid sex with that word unless I am writing about it.). I don't think I will ever understand my wife have seven (7) sexual affairs and plenty more emotional affairs.
One of the interesting early topics in the book is that your family of origin and your upbringing create the framework for the addiction to flourish in adulthood. I believe many of us knew that already An important point is made that two people raised in the same environment can produce totally different results in adulthood. I guess then it was our bad luck my wife drew the straw to act out her childhood wounding as a married mother and become a sex and love addict.
I have thoughts about my what may happen to our children because of my wife's addiction and our resulting dysfunctional household, but I will wait for another post to address.
I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get "it." or the recover from the destruction that "it" has caused.
I guess I will keep trying to figure it all out.
For record, I hope my wife does before me.
How did I get here?
Where am I going?
Where to begin?
How to begin?
Each question begets more questions.
My wife is a sex addict!
This is not a theory, but a fact as she went through intensive almost two month inpatient program to initiate recovery. After 15 years of marriage and two wonderful children, it makes me sad.
Your first question I know is: Am I still married to her? Yes I am. Sometimes that makes me sad too. Because had I known what I know as truth today (and only "officially" discovered after she committed to recovery and sexual sobriety,) I won't be. How pathetic I feel that I did not trust my gut instincts and all the signs and get out before seemingly losing my dignity too.
Here are the stats:
- 3 Years
- 3 Facebook Accounts
- 5 Email Addresses
- 7 Extra-marital Physical Affairs (All unprotected) "Qualifiers"
- 8 Extra-marital Emotional Affairs that never got intimate
- $150,000 in medical bills
- Countless fractured friendships
Could it have been much worse? You betcha. The "good news" is that she is clean of STDs (F-ing amazing) and she did not get pregnant.
The hurt and pain for me, the betrayed husband, are never-ending.
Did I let this happen to me? Unquestionably Yes. I have many, many regrets. But I also know my wife, who is in her mid 40s, is solely responsible and accountable for her actions.
Today, she is attempting to fix herself and so far, so good.
Am I a co-addict? A Co-dependent? A Victim? An Enabler? A Rescuer? A Private Detective? Who knows? I'm probably all the above, if not more. What I know for sure is that I have remained monogamous, loyal and honored my marriage vows.
I also have found strength to commit and support her recovery as well as mine. I've discovered a new found fortitude to not comprise my morals and ethics anymore. It maybe unorthodox as you will find out but it feels right to me.
My kids remain my priority, with myself second and my marriage a distant third.
So my wife maybe off the merry-go-round of sex addiction, but follow me on the never-ending roller coaster of recovery and read stories of how her sex addiction has turned my life upside down.
