There is a new TV reality show on the little known cable channel (in my house) called Logo titled "Bad Sex". First-run episodes are on every Friday night.
The show chronicles a currently sex addict as he/she go through eight (8) weeks of group, individual and sometimes family therapy with a sex specialist Chris Donaghue. I will note that at no time does the show call Donaghue a doctor, but he appears to know what he's doing and understands the triggers and the struggles of the sex addict. The sex addicts in group therapy appear to represent many different diagnosis of sex addiction: Love Addict, Porn Addiction, Gay, Straight, Sexual Anorexic, Masturbation and others.
I just watched the first two episodes and it just provided me greater insight in the life and struggles a sex addict. Each week follows one of the members of the group's progress through the entire eight week program. The first one was a serial cheater who was trying to stay committed to his girlfriend but kept having sex with other women. What made it worse, is he lied to the group as well as his therapist (Boy did that remind me of my wife in both individual and couples therapy). In the end, it was the shame the man was experiencing in his behavior that was causing him to lie. In my opinion, he never realized he was "safe" to be honest with his fellow sex addicts and Donaghue and the only way he was going to get better was to be honest, confront the problem head-on and follow the specialist's suggestions.
If a sex addict is reading this please hear this as a partner of a recovering sex addicts: If you decide that you want help, work through a certified sex therapist and be 100% honest with the therapist with your actions (Your secret is safe with them because of patient/client confidentiality.). Without truthfulness, you are wasting your time and money in therapy. It will not be impactful for you.
The second episode was a male gay sex addict who wanted sex all the time with anyone he could get. For me that fact that he was having unsafe sex reminded me of how my wife was acting out and 99% of the time did it unprotected (One guy had a condom, but it fell during intercourse and another guy used it only the first time).
Each show will follow a member of the group through their eight week program with Donaghue. I'm sure these episodes will be of value to male sex addicts, female sex addicts and partners of sex addicts. It will touch you all in different ways and it won't leave you with a warm and fuzzy. In my opinion it's important that you educate yourself on the subject (heck it is probably why you are reading this blog) and it should be MUST SEE TV for all of you.
You should at least record it. The first two episodes will be repeating several times during this week. If you don't get the channel, check out these sites too for some info about the show.
Show website: http://www.logotv.com/shows/bad_sex/series.jhtml
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BadSexOnLogo
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/BadSexChris
GetGlue: http://getglue.com/tv_shows/bad_sex
If you watched the show, let us know your thoughts by putting a comment on this blog.
Also, make your calendars for Friday, Dec. 3, 2011 which is opening night for the new movie about sex addiction (the one not staring Gwyneth Paltrow) titled "Shame". The movie stars Michael Fassbender as a male sex addict and Carey Mulligan as his alcoholic younger sister. (Obviously family of origin issues with be part of the plot line.) I believe it premiered at the Toronto Film Festival earlier this year and it was been critically acclaimed..It has been in the news lately for drawing an NC-17 rating....big hoot for a movie about sex addiction. It's not like you are going to bring the kids.
If you're in a relationship or married to a female sex addict, have you heard any of these before:
- An emotional affair is not infidelity
- Facebook is not a distraction. It's just me reconnecting with old friends.
- Sexting is OK and long as my husband does not find out.
- I just set up the email address for fun because I had time to kill
- We just met for coffee.
- We just had lunch, nothing else
- I don't know why he texted me in the middle of the night when you were out of town?
- I don't know how to video chat
- I'm just a love addict and need attention. That's all.
- How long have your been married? Her response: 14 tears, in mean years.
- I never thought of making him use protection but neither did he.
- I am not ignoring the kids and their needs.
- Sexual fantasy
- Acting out
- It's not about the sex....
- These guys never made me organism
- But I never dressed up in lingerie for them
- We had sex in the car
- We had sex in the woods
- I don't remember the name of the hotel
- I had the most magical weekend of my life
- He was/is the love of my life. (Not me by the way)
- I never took off my wedding ring, unless I was on the hunt for guys.
- But he's your son's baseball coach!
- I don't think I'm pregnant?
- I really do miss him. I totally blew it when I called his wife.
- No strings attached sex.
- I got scared when he told me he had herpes just before we about to have sex....but he's turning away just the person that could be perfect for him.
- I don't remember anything.
- Don't go there.
- Just tell everyone that I'm taking care of a sick relative and you're not sure when I will be back.
- I am not a Narcissist
- I needed the hit. It's the high.
- You won't understand, you're not an addict.
- Don't ask me what I did.
- Qualifiers
- I had unattainable partners.
- I think all these guys were sex addicts too.
- Withdrawal
- 90 days of sexual abstinence
- Post Traumatic Infidelity Stress Disorder
- Shame
- Guilt
- Pain
- Fear
- I thought I told you about him.
- It's called mood disorder. The doctor says I'm not bi-polar.
- When will the lies stop?
- I swear I never told them I loved them (lie) but all them said they loved me.
- Which is better SLAA or SA?
- Are they married too? What do their wives think? Do they even know?
- Healthy boundaries
- I did not spend any of our money
- I have to see my doctor for two sessions a week
- I have to go to my meeting tonight. You'll have to watch the kids.
- We'll just tell the kids that I'm depressed and I'm getting help to make me feel better.
- It was just sex. Don't expect me to do any of those things with you. That was the addict in me and you don't want me to be back in addict mode.
- I can't find a female sponsor that isn't a sexual anorexia
Have you read, heard or concluded any other explanations, excuses or addict terms from your partner. Please share them in comments. It helps for us "normies" to hear and vent.
How did I get here?
Where am I going?
Where to begin?
How to begin?
Each question begets more questions.
My wife is a sex addict!
This is not a theory, but a fact as she went through intensive almost two month inpatient program to initiate recovery. After 15 years of marriage and two wonderful children, it makes me sad.
Your first question I know is: Am I still married to her? Yes I am. Sometimes that makes me sad too. Because had I known what I know as truth today (and only "officially" discovered after she committed to recovery and sexual sobriety,) I won't be. How pathetic I feel that I did not trust my gut instincts and all the signs and get out before seemingly losing my dignity too.
Here are the stats:
- 3 Years
- 3 Facebook Accounts
- 5 Email Addresses
- 7 Extra-marital Physical Affairs (All unprotected) "Qualifiers"
- 8 Extra-marital Emotional Affairs that never got intimate
- $150,000 in medical bills
- Countless fractured friendships
Could it have been much worse? You betcha. The "good news" is that she is clean of STDs (F-ing amazing) and she did not get pregnant.
The hurt and pain for me, the betrayed husband, are never-ending.
Did I let this happen to me? Unquestionably Yes. I have many, many regrets. But I also know my wife, who is in her mid 40s, is solely responsible and accountable for her actions.
Today, she is attempting to fix herself and so far, so good.
Am I a co-addict? A Co-dependent? A Victim? An Enabler? A Rescuer? A Private Detective? Who knows? I'm probably all the above, if not more. What I know for sure is that I have remained monogamous, loyal and honored my marriage vows.
I also have found strength to commit and support her recovery as well as mine. I've discovered a new found fortitude to not comprise my morals and ethics anymore. It maybe unorthodox as you will find out but it feels right to me.
My kids remain my priority, with myself second and my marriage a distant third.
So my wife maybe off the merry-go-round of sex addiction, but follow me on the never-ending roller coaster of recovery and read stories of how her sex addiction has turned my life upside down.
