A chip on my shoulder

Some of my readers are going to be really upset with me for this post but this is one of the many dilemma's we committed partners face.

In the beginning months of her recovery, my wife came home from one of her meetings and proudly shared with me that she received her two-month sobriety coin (it was actually two months and 15 days but who is counting).  Wahooo, or so she thought.

The Two-Month Sobriety Chip

Don’t get me wrong, I thought is was great news and I am very proud that she was maintaining her recovery and staying committed to our marriage. Outwardly, at the time, I effused praise and positive reinforcement upon her when she shared the news with me.

Now the issue.

I have a very personal problem receiving it. It’s not like she was two months without alcohol or drugs (no, in my "normy" world sex is not a drug).  Where my mind goes to instantly is that two months ago you had sex with another man and now we are going to celebrate the anniversary. Holy sh.., Come on.....We can't be serious here?

It’s a catch 22.

I love, feel honored and grateful that she wanted to share this achievement with me, and on the other hand, it hurts. We are both trying to move forward and I want to provide positive feedback to my wife for continued recovery.   Complete honesty (finally!).

I didn’t know what to do and how to say it or not to say it at all  I didn’t think I wanted to be truthful with my feelings because on the other hand, she was sharing an achievement she was very proud of and that is a part of relational intimacy that we are striving to achieve.

I decided to talk to her a few days later and owed it to myself (and her) to be truthful with my issues. I told her in the future that it is difficult for me when she shares this type of info and I would prefer she did not anymore.

How do you think it went?....

It didn't go well at all. She was very, very hurt that I did not want to walk the path of sobriety with her and celebrate her success. For the record, I celebrate her sobriety everyday, I just don't want to commemorate dates of marital infidelity.  Who would?

Today, I know the anniversary. I refused to celebrate it. The only chips I see are on the poker tables and the ones in the foil bags.  I recommended why don't we celebrate the day she went inpatient (Ironically my parents' 51st wedding anniversary) but she won't go there at all anymore. Sobriety Chips are persona non grata. So be it. I'm OK with passing on this celebrating this day.

Some parts of recovery are supposed to be personal and in our house, the chips are one of them.

"Shame": A new movie about Sex Addiction

This is my entertainment roundup...because it's easier to write about this stuff than some of the heavy thoughts that I have been having (but not writing about) over the past two weeks..

If you are not watching Bad Sex on Logo, you should. 

--For active sex addicts it will give you insights into how you can start your recovery if you wish and some of the dangers and consequences of your addiction.  Maybe some of the patients will remind you of yourself.
--For sex addicts in recovery, you will have compassion for the patients, as well as additional clarity as to why staying sober is so important.
--For partners or relatives of sex addicts, it will show you how despite these patients best intentions, that they struggle to not act out. This maybe what your family member or friend is going through and that oftentimes the many parts of the addiction were set in motion by traumatic events in the patients lives, not necessarily by you.

I wanted to call your attention to a new movie getting excellent critical reviews that begins limited theatrical release on Friday, Dec. 3, 2011. It a movie on Sex Addiction called "Shame."

Here is the story line: Brandon (Michael Fassbender) is a New Yorker who shuns intimacy with women but feeds his desires with a compulsive addiction to sex. When his wayward younger sister (Carey Mulligan) moves into his apartment stirring memories of their shared painful past, Brandon’s insular life spirals out of control.

I'm not sure what to expect, I'm intrigued yet somewhat nervous to see it. I doubt I will see it with my wife. Here is the movie trailer:



Will you be seeing this movie and why?

I'm jealous of Demi Moore

"As a woman, a mother and a wife, there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life."

My heart sank when I read this quote. The title of this post may sound crazy.  Why would anyone be jealous of Demi Moore?

I so admire and am amazed at HER STRENGTH to hold to her core values and sacred oaths. That's why I'm so jealous, not of the pain, anger and shame she is going through because of her husband Ashton Kutcher's behavior. I am totally envious of her sticking to her moral code.

I now understand that my wife has the disease of sex addiction. When I was going through the three years of trauma with the constant communication with men, the nebulous meetings, affairs, checking out of motherhood responsibilities and all the lies, I failed myself by not putting my foot down and having the strength to leave. 

By not standing up for my own values and holding to my bottom line, whatever I have put myself through for at least two years would have never happened (at least not while married as I still would have been slighty involved because of my children.) I am still trying to deal with the personal shame of compromising my morals to stay in this marriage.

To this day, this is one of my biggest struggles being so weak when faced with the facts of what I knew of my wife's behavior. This is where I believe I truly failed myself and I have to come to grips with it. I vow now to honor myself and my character first. That's all I can do.

Women speak about their sex addiction

This is a candid interview (a little dated) with two women that have struggled with sex addict and how it has affected their lives and their relationships. 


I hope it is some value to husbands like me as well as women who are also struggling with sex addiction. It's pretty powerful stuff.

Let me know what you think?


 

TV Program Alert: "Bad Sex" on Logo

There is a new TV reality show on the little known cable channel (in my house) called Logo titled "Bad Sex".  First-run episodes are on every Friday night.

The show chronicles a currently sex addict as he/she go through eight (8) weeks of group, individual and sometimes family therapy with a sex specialist Chris Donaghue.  I will note that at no time does the show call Donaghue a doctor, but he appears to know what he's doing and understands the triggers and the struggles of the sex addict.  The sex addicts in group therapy appear to represent many different diagnosis of sex addiction:  Love Addict, Porn Addiction, Gay, Straight, Sexual Anorexic, Masturbation and others.


I just watched the first two episodes and it just provided me greater insight in the life and struggles a sex addict.  Each week follows one of the members of the group's progress through the entire eight week program.  The first one was a serial cheater who was trying to stay committed to his girlfriend but kept having sex with other women.  What made it worse, is he lied to the group as well as his therapist (Boy did that remind me of my wife in both individual and couples therapy).  In the end, it was the shame the man was experiencing in his behavior that was causing him to lie.  In my opinion, he never realized he was "safe" to be honest with his fellow sex addicts and Donaghue and the only way he was going to get better was to be honest, confront the problem head-on and follow the specialist's suggestions. 


If a sex addict is reading this please hear this as a partner of a recovering sex addicts: If you decide that you want help, work through a certified sex therapist and be 100% honest with the therapist with your actions (Your secret is safe with them because of patient/client confidentiality.). Without truthfulness, you are wasting your time and money in therapy. It will not be impactful for you.


The second episode was a male gay sex addict who wanted sex all the time with anyone he could get.  For me that fact that he was having unsafe sex reminded me of how my wife was acting out and 99% of the time did it unprotected (One guy had a condom, but it fell during intercourse and another guy used it only the first time).

Each show will follow a member of the group through their eight week program with Donaghue. I'm sure these episodes will be of value to male sex addicts, female sex addicts and partners of sex addicts. It will touch you all in different ways and it won't leave you with a warm and fuzzy. In my opinion it's important that you educate yourself on the subject (heck it is probably why you are reading this blog) and it should be MUST SEE TV for all of you.


You should at least record it.  The first two episodes will be repeating several times during this week. If you don't get the channel, check out these sites too for some info about the show.


Show website:  http://www.logotv.com/shows/bad_sex/series.jhtml
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BadSexOnLogo
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/BadSexChris
GetGlue: http://getglue.com/tv_shows/bad_sex


If you watched the show, let us know your thoughts by putting a comment on this blog.


Also, make your calendars for Friday, Dec. 3, 2011 which is opening night for the new movie about sex addiction (the one not staring  Gwyneth Paltrow) titled "Shame".  The movie stars Michael Fassbender as a male sex addict and Carey Mulligan as his alcoholic younger sister.  (Obviously family of origin issues with be part of the plot line.) I believe it premiered at the Toronto Film Festival earlier this year and it was been critically acclaimed..It has been in the news lately for drawing an NC-17 rating....big hoot for a movie about sex addiction. It's not like you are going to bring the kids.

Trauma and Female Sex Addiction

To follow up on my post from yesterday regarding childhood trauma manifesting into adult addictive behaviors. I found this relevant article from May 2010 which specifically addresses this correlation to female sex addicts.   

For those who maybe affected, it is a very short but interesting read written by Karen Pohlman of Living Free, Inc. in Phoenix: Trauma and sexual addiction in women.

I hope it is of some value to you.

Penn State and Sex Addiction - A Connection?

What does one have to do about the other? Maybe a lot more than you think.

For those that may not be following the Penn State scandal where a former assistant football coach is facing charges of sexually abusing eight boys (probably more) over 15 years. This has put this a societal problem on the front of many, many news and sports websites, newspaper and TV shows. 

It's just my observation, but unfortunately many of these very young victims of abuse will be traumatized later in life too. Sadly for many, the damage will result with the victims in adult life using addiction (alcohol, drugs and sex) to cope with their issues. 

This is unscientific information but 11 of 12 women in my wife's inpatient female sex addiction group were victims of rape or incest. Many in her SLAA meetings also share similar experiences as youths or have some form of trauma (i.e. physical abuse) from their family of origin. 

Although my wife had a difficult childhood, she was the one person in her group that was not sexually violated. She has many other issues from her childhood that drove her to act out as a sex addict. 

Through my private detective work, I have since found out that one of her qualifiers (affair partners) was sexually molested by a priest in his teens and another one was shot in the face by his father in high school. My wife had said early in recovery (she won't talk about them with me anymore) that both these men displayed characteristics of sex addiction too (but they didn't know it).

I hope these boys from Pennsylvania (as well as any other child abuse victims in this world) have gotten or get all the therapy and help they need ASAP to live a healthy and sober life. They are all in my prayers.

And now a word from our sponsor....not

My sex addicted wife is trying to commit to the 12-step SLAA Program, yet can't find a sponsor.

I am sure many of you have heard the stories that there is one woman in the room.  I think although that may not be accurate so much any more (based on reports from my wife, not actual experiences of mine), female attendance figures are still somewhat limited. 

With limited participants, many of the women in the SLAA are sexual anorexics, not women's who are acting out with other men.   We won't even talk about the women that continue to return for their one day chip and use the meetings as confessionals for their hook-ups.


My wife is on her second sponsor.  The first one dropped after a week.  She had not had sex in 12 years, so I ask how can someone like that relate to my wife and take her through the steps?


Now she is on sponsor number 2.  I don't know her history but she seems to be unable to fit my wife into her schedule. After a week and a half, my wife has set her bottom lines (again) and nothing else.  This seems to be moving so, so slow.....


My opinion is that failure to engage in a 12-step program only leads to the opportunity to have a relapse. But what other husbands of sex addicts need to know is that it is your wife's problem, if she wants to fix it and follow a healthy path, she will figure it out.


And the husbands, we'll just have to wait and see.  


In my case, my bottom line is: monogamy = marriage.  Acting out (even once) = divorce.  Choose or lose.


Any thoughts?

I Don't Get "It!"

If you are trying to stay in a committed relationship with a female sex addict, have you heard this before: You just don't get it (the sex addict).


Well, last night my wife, who is currently in recovery, started reading Ethlie Ann Vare's Love Addict: Sex, Romance, and Other Dangerous Drugs  This is a book I bought for myself on the Kindle. I told her about it and thought you would get something out of it. I also let her know it would be an easy read. She had been stuck on the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous: The Basic Text for the past month.


She is rather "addicted" to Vare's book as my wife cannot put it down now that she has started it. She finds the read to be somewhat disturbing because she says it speaks to her and her problem and she doesn't like what it says about her. She says by me reading it that I should totally understand her. I told her, that it was informative (I'm 89% done in Kindle speak) but that doesn't mean that "I get you and your addiction" (I try to avoid sex with that word unless I am writing about it.). I don't think I will ever understand my wife have seven (7) sexual affairs and plenty more emotional affairs.


One of the interesting early topics in the book is that your family of origin and your upbringing create the framework for the addiction to flourish in adulthood. I believe many of us knew that already An important point is made that two people raised in the same environment can produce totally different results in adulthood. I guess then it was our bad luck my wife drew the straw to act out her childhood wounding as a married mother and become a sex and love addict.


I have thoughts about my what may happen to our children because of my wife's addiction and our resulting dysfunctional household, but I will wait for another post to address.


I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get "it." or the recover from the destruction that "it" has caused.


I guess I will keep trying to figure it all out. For record, I hope my wife does before me.

When can we have sex again?

I am constantly reading books and scouring various blogs about sex addiction seemingly throughout the day. I've read so much in the last eight months, I don't recall all my sources but I'm am always trying to learn about my wife's sex addiction, what her struggles maybe and trying to understand them as well as coping skills for me. I am also trying to learn how to help myself get through this, support my wife in healthy ways as well as avoiding participating in her addiction. Sadly, I also feel that I am looking for common cues that maybe observed so I can indentify if my wife has slipped.

Oh what a pleasure it would be to be reading Walter Issacson's Steve Jobs biography on my Kindle rather than Ethlie Ann Vare's new book "Love Addict: Sex, Romance and Other Dangerous Drugs" (my current read). It seems I'm in self help and sex addict education overload.

I think it was in Melody Beattie's famous book: "Co-dependent No More" when she describes:...As a co-dependent you get all the crap and all the trauma and all the pain and all the shame and all the fear and everything else the addict gets EXCEPT THE HIGH. Which in my wife's case is the sex (for the record: she says it was only for the attention, the sex was apparently a means to get it)

Think about that. Your spouse or partner has mentally checked out of your life, her vows, feels shame about her own behavior yet continues to have sex and whatever pleasure may come with it on a regular basis, which is a natural and important part (in theory) of life and (in most normal) marriages. And the innocent spouse, gets nothing - physically and emotionally.

Now as the husband of a recovering sex addict and trying to stay supportive and committed to my wife and our marriage, I am faced with personal challenges. My wife is STD free (she had the full battery of tests as a part of her inpatient treatment). She has committed to a monogamous relationship which I have insisted is my bottom line going forward. How does a sex addict return to healthy sex with their spouse?

My concerns:

• Will she be emotionally present with me during sex?
• Can her addiction be triggered by having sex with me?
• Can her addiction be triggered by not having sex with me.
• Will a certain position or act remind her of being with her extramarital "qualifiers"?
• Will she allow herself to have sex fantasies with me?
• Did my sex skills drive her to seek sex from others?
• Did her qualifiers perform better sexually than I?
• What did she do with her qualifiers that she will not do with me? I'll never know and she'll never tell me and it haunts me that I will never know the truth.
• Will she want me to act as her qualifiers acted with her?
• Will I ever be able to get past thoughts of her being intimate with others during our marriage.
• I'll never know what she did to them sexually.
• Can sex be pleasurable for her or me again?
• When can she put my needs first or at least equal to hers?

Yikes, it sucks to be me.

When I think about this, I seem to regret staying in this marriage because it is seems so torturous to me. I would like regular sex with my wife. (we are on our second 90-day no sex period as my wife said she needed more time and wasn’t ready yet---Did I have a realistic choice to decline?) However, the decision to stay was made and as long as my wife stays in recovery and sober, I have agreed to remain in our marriage.

So what did I do.....of course, I bought another book: "The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal" by Bill and Ginger Bercaw. I actually bought two, one for her and one for me so we can read at the same time (not available on kindle). I initiated for us, not my wife, but does that really surprise anyone. I told her that I would not start reading the book unless she's was ready to fully commit to the program. I told her she would have to let me know when and that I was not going to nag her about it. I don't know when (or even if) we will ever start. I'll also let you know what happens if we finish...which I sure hope is in the next year.

Is it unfair for me to want sex with my wife?

Learning New Terms and Their Meanings......

If you're in a relationship or married to a female sex addict, have you heard any of these before:

• An emotional affair is not infidelity
• Facebook is not a distraction. It's just me reconnecting with old friends.
• Sexting is OK and long as my husband does not find out.
• I just set up the email address for fun because I had time to kill
• We just met for coffee.
• We just had lunch, nothing else
• I don't know why he texted me in the middle of the night when you were out of town?
• I don't know how to video chat
• I'm just a love addict and need attention. That's all.
• How long have your been married? Her response: 14 tears, in mean years.
• I never thought of making him use protection but neither did he.
• I am not ignoring the kids and their needs.
• Sexual fantasy
• Acting out
• It's not about the sex....
• These guys never made me organism
• But I never dressed up in lingerie for them
• We had sex in the car
• We had sex in the woods
• I don't remember the name of the hotel
• I had the most magical weekend of my life
• He was/is the love of my life. (Not me by the way)
• I never took off my wedding ring, unless I was on the hunt for guys.
• But he's your son's baseball coach!
• I don't think I'm pregnant?
• I really do miss him. I totally blew it when I called his wife.
• No strings attached sex.
• I got scared when he told me he had herpes just before we about to have sex....but he's turning away just the person that could be perfect for him.
• I don't remember anything.
• Don't go there.
• Just tell everyone that I'm taking care of a sick relative and you're not sure when I will be back.
• I am not a Narcissist
• I needed the hit. It's the high.
• You won't understand, you're not an addict.
• Don't ask me what I did.
• Qualifiers
• I had unattainable partners.
• I think all these guys were sex addicts too.
• Withdrawal
• 90 days of sexual abstinence
• Post Traumatic Infidelity Stress Disorder
• Shame
• Guilt
• Pain
• Fear
• I thought I told you about him.
• It's called mood disorder. The doctor says I'm not bi-polar.
• When will the lies stop?
• I swear I never told them I loved them (lie) but all them said they loved me.
• Which is better SLAA or SA?
• Are they married too?  What do their wives think? Do they even know?
• Healthy boundaries
• I did not spend any of our money
• I have to see my doctor for two sessions a week
• I have to go to my meeting tonight. You'll have to watch the kids.
• We'll just tell the kids that I'm depressed and I'm getting help to make me feel better.
• It was just sex. Don't expect me to do any of those things with you. That was the addict in me and you don't want me to be back in addict mode.
• I can't find a female sponsor that isn't a sexual anorexia

Have you read, heard or concluded any other explanations, excuses or addict terms from your partner. Please share them in comments. It helps for us "normies" to hear and vent.