Some of my readers are going to be really upset with me for this
post but this is one of the many dilemma's we committed partners face.
In the beginning months of her recovery, my wife came home
from one of her meetings and proudly shared with me that she received her
two-month sobriety coin (it was actually two months and 15 days but who is
counting). Wahooo, or so she thought.
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| The Two-Month Sobriety Chip |
Now the issue.
I have a very personal problem receiving it. It’s not like
she was two months without alcohol or drugs (no, in my "normy" world
sex is not a drug). Where my mind goes
to instantly is that two months ago you had sex with another man and now we are
going to celebrate the anniversary. Holy sh.., Come on.....We can't be serious
here?
It’s a catch 22.
I love, feel honored and grateful that she wanted to share
this achievement with me, and on the other hand, it hurts. We are both trying
to move forward and I want to provide positive feedback to my wife for
continued recovery. Complete honesty
(finally!).
I didn’t know what to do and how to say it or not to say it
at all I didn’t think I wanted to be
truthful with my feelings because on the other hand, she was sharing an
achievement she was very proud of and that is a part of relational intimacy
that we are striving to achieve.
I decided to talk to her a few days later and owed it to
myself (and her) to be truthful with my issues. I told her in the future that
it is difficult for me when she shares this type of info and I would prefer she
did not anymore.
How do you think it went?....
It didn't go well at all. She was very, very hurt that I did
not want to walk the path of sobriety with her and celebrate her success. For
the record, I celebrate her sobriety everyday, I just don't want to commemorate
dates of marital infidelity. Who would?
Today, I know the anniversary. I refused to celebrate it.
The only chips I see are on the poker tables and the ones in the foil
bags. I recommended why don't we
celebrate the day she went inpatient (Ironically my parents' 51st wedding
anniversary) but she won't go there at all anymore. Sobriety Chips are persona
non grata. So be it. I'm OK with passing on this celebrating this day.
Some parts of recovery are supposed to be personal and in
our house, the chips are one of them.
I could really relate to your feelings, I felt the same way when my wife came home from a SLAA meeting with her 30-day chip.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much we have in common other than our wives are identified as Sex Addicts, but if you are like me then there is hope in recovery through the program of CODA, COSA, and others.
I am with a sex addict for a reason, as it turns out. I have a lot of healing to do on my own, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
Today I am grateful to be in recovery, I am not grateful yet for the disease that brought us here YET, but that's on the way someday....
Husband, I am curious if your wife was a sex addict before you met and married.
ReplyDeleteAlso if she was a sex addict with YOU. if you were willing to have sex with her often.
My guess is that this did not start right away, but after you were married for awhile. Curious.
And I agree I think it is cruel of her to want to remember the last time she had sex with some other guy with a reward. She was giving you a fitness test there I believe. Fitness test, per Athol Kay.