"As a woman, a mother and a wife, there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life."My heart sank when I read this quote. The title of this post may sound crazy. Why would anyone be jealous of Demi Moore?
I so admire and am amazed at HER STRENGTH to hold to her core values and sacred oaths. That's why I'm so jealous, not of the pain, anger and shame she is going through because of her husband Ashton Kutcher's behavior. I am totally envious of her sticking to her moral code.
I now understand that my wife has the disease of sex addiction. When I was going through the three years of trauma with the constant communication with men, the nebulous meetings, affairs, checking out of motherhood responsibilities and all the lies, I failed myself by not putting my foot down and having the strength to leave.
By not standing up for my own values and holding to my bottom line, whatever I have put myself through for at least two years would have never happened (at least not while married as I still would have been slighty involved because of my children.) I am still trying to deal with the personal shame of compromising my morals to stay in this marriage.
To this day, this is one of my biggest struggles being so weak when faced with the facts of what I knew of my wife's behavior. This is where I believe I truly failed myself and I have to come to grips with it. I vow now to honor myself and my character first. That's all I can do.
I do not mean this in a confrontational way at all, but what about your vow to love her in 'sickness and in health?' If you truly believe it's a disease, isn't it your responsibility to be there for her and make sure she gets better?
ReplyDeleteAshton just had an affair. Your wife has a clinically diagnosable disease.
I'm just saying rather than be ashamed of your actions and make new, preservationist vows to yourself, shouldn't you be commending yourself for NOT abandoning her when so many other men would? Maybe you didn't do it out of love, maybe you did it out of fear. But regardless, that doesn't explain why you stuck by her AFTER the diagnosis. You stuck by her because you love her and you want to help her get better, even if it's looking like a very long road to recovery.
I truly commend what you are trying to do, because most men wouldn't. But don't let ego and resentment destroy all the progress you personally helped to make so far.
Excellent points.
ReplyDeleteI just feel in the midst of my wife's acting out, I lost a fair amount my dignity.
I am very proud that I was there for my children when my wife was mentally absent (they may not realize it). I forget that often.
I think my co-dependency allowed my wife's behavior to continue because I loved her and was trying to accommodate her through was I believed was depression. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because of it.
In very different ways, we both lost our dignity with this addiction and it will take time to get it back.
Thanks for your thoughts in your comment, they make sense to me. The hurt and the pain of the affairs and the addiction is tough to get past but I need to think more of how we have persevered and are still together.
Husband,
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly where I am. I have known for years, confronted her for years, and slowly slid deeper and deeper into the disease with her, for years.
The codependence is recoverable however, I have been working the CODA program with a sponsor and it has changed my life.
I hear ya . . . it really is hard being a spouse of an addict! I am a wife of a sex addict too.
ReplyDeleteThe "shame" we feel is a tough one. (ironically for the addict and the spouse) How can we not feel that? I does suck!
My hubby and I have been struggling with this for many years. He has finally found help that works for him, he is doing better than ever and I feel closer to him than I have in a long time! My awesome therapist wrote a book (coming out in a week) that is a Couple's Guide to Sexual Addition. It is to help couples restore intimacy and trust for those of us who choose to stay together. Maybe it can help! Here is the link to it:
http://www.compulsionsolutions.com/couples-guide-to-sexual-addiction.html
Check out the crazy journey that I have been on through all of this on my new blog: mishkadwifeofasexaddict
BTW - I was really sad when Ashton and Demi broke up too! They seemed like such a great couple! I guess things aren't always what they seem . . .
I know your loss of dignity.
ReplyDeleteAlso of Sunk Cost, look it up on wiki and think how it relates to a relationship. I am not saying leave now, but your wife has to know you will leave WITH the children if she does it or any of the surrounding behaviors again. The phone for example. Are you just "trusting" her that she is being good? I hope not (at least with the phone, you can give her trust in other areas if she has earned it) as you see where that got you.
If there is no consequence for her there is no reason to stop, for one. And two, your dignity continues to be spit upon and shamed when you accept any of her behavior.
Seriously, you need to familiarize yourself with Alpha and Beta and Game. Not pick up artist crap but how to relate to and attract women. YOUR wife in this case! Please trust me, it does work. It takes time but you have time. Some of the stuff you will read will sound bitter and jaded, take it with a grain of salt as the vuys who wrote it have been hurt like you. But there are some real eye opening things to be discovered and researched, that will change how you feel as a man, husband and father. If you can learn from it you will very likely change how your wife responds to you.
I know from experience. My relationship with my wife is like night and day to what it used to be. Based on the things I have been reading over the last year. I wish I had discovered the type of information I am talking about when I was still a kid because my life would have been SO MUCH easier. Not perfect, but things would have made sense and I could have had a more positive impact on all the girls I dated and then my wife.
Athol Kay
Vox Day at alphagameplan
Dalrock
In Mala Fida
Roissy
Are a few to start with. Again some have different goals, some are pick up artists (Roissy) but he speaks truth. Hard truth but it will open your eyes. Taking the red pill in the Matrix, open your eyes. An analogy that Dalrock often uses. I would suggest Athol Kay first. Some sell. Oils, just read his archives for now.
I hope you can find some information that is helpful from them, i certainly did and all of them opened my eyes to what I was doing wrong as a husband .