I am sure many of you have heard the stories that there is one woman in the room. I think although that may not be accurate so much any more (based on reports from my wife, not actual experiences of mine), female attendance figures are still somewhat limited.
With limited participants, many of the women in the SLAA are sexual anorexics, not women's who are acting out with other men. We won't even talk about the women that continue to return for their one day chip and use the meetings as confessionals for their hook-ups.
My wife is on her second sponsor. The first one dropped after a week. She had not had sex in 12 years, so I ask how can someone like that relate to my wife and take her through the steps?
Now she is on sponsor number 2. I don't know her history but she seems to be unable to fit my wife into her schedule. After a week and a half, my wife has set her bottom lines (again) and nothing else. This seems to be moving so, so slow.....
My opinion is that failure to engage in a 12-step program only leads to the opportunity to have a relapse. But what other husbands of sex addicts need to know is that it is your wife's problem, if she wants to fix it and follow a healthy path, she will figure it out.
And the husbands, we'll just have to wait and see.
In my case, my bottom line is: monogamy = marriage. Acting out (even once) = divorce. Choose or lose.
Any thoughts?
Thanks for the blog.. Just found out my wife is a Sex Addict. 7 years of marriage with not really a clue... I feel so stupid. She's looking for a program and a sponsor. Whats the difference between SLAA and SAA?
ReplyDeleteSLAA is for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous while SA is for Sexaholics Anonymous and there is Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) - all have websites with more info. Depending how your wife is "acting out" her addiction may determine the most appropriate support group. Sometimes the decision is easily made by proximity or availability of the meetings to your residence. She should try am many different meetings as possible (even with the same organization) and let her determine what's a better fit. After she decides, you may want to consider the support group for specific partners of sex addicts based on her selection, either COSA, S-Anon or COSLAA. Remember, you did not cause her behavior and she is the only one that can choose sexual sobriety. I wish you great strength in this difficult time. I also recommend that you visit some of the sites I have linked to the right as they offer an abundance of information.
ReplyDeleteHi, this is Ethlie Ann Vare, author of LOVE ADDICT: SEX, ROMANCE AND OTHER DANGEROUS DRUGS. A friend in recovery pointed me to your blog, and I'm glad my book is proving helpful. My goal was to take myself and my addiction lightly... and recovery seriously.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to find a female sponsor in S-programs, and it's even harder to be one. In my experience, most newcomers don't actually want to recover. They just want to stop hurting. They're like alcoholics who want to drink only on weekends.
My thumbnail bottom line for committed relationships is: "I don't do anything behind his back I wouldn't do in front of his face." Couples can make choices about sexuality, but betrayal is non-negotiable.
Thank you Ethlie. I am touched that you have found my blog and I do so appreciate your book.
ReplyDeleteI just read the part in recovery that talked about what text messages do for the sex addict. Do I ever agree with that!!!!! In my opinion, the smartphone was the bigger incubater of my wife's sex addiction.
It's still a daily grind to compete against the phone for my wife attention. Maybe it's not prospects and qualifiers anymore, but it's fellow sex addicts from the meetings struggling with recovery or just Words With Friends. She always carries around that damn cell phone and god forbid can't find the strength to just turn off (even when the family is all home).
I'm going to try to buy Scrabble Deluxe this weekend and see if I can get my wife to put down the phone for a couple of hours to play. As they say, the best way to spark a marriage: Relational intimacy.
What happens if you just get rid of her phone? Or at least tell her it is unacceptable for her to use it around you or the kids? If she really wants to stop and heal and if she desires trust and forgiveness, she is the one that should be walking on eggshells not you.
ReplyDeleteHas she even asked for your forgiveness?